The Bad Girl's Guide to Camping . . . Cabin in the Woods Review

The Bad Girl's Guide to Camping:

1.  Establish which type of movie this is.  Is there another woman present, who can be characterized as

• Uptight, 
• Career Oriented, or 
• Old Maid Eligible?  

If you answered yes to any of these things, please answer the following questions.

• Is there a man present who she initially despises?  
• Perhaps she hates his guts, or thinks he's self-serving, arrogant, or in competition with her.  

If so, don't worry: you're in a romantic-comedy.  While this goes a long way to ensuring your long-term survival, you are, unfortunately, the foil.  You will never find true happiness.
2.  Having established that this is not a romantic comedy, please observe the following:

• Are you in a group of at least five people?
• If you are, is there another woman present you secretly (or publicly) deride as being prudish, goody-goody, or simply virginal?
• Are you on a back-road, have you traveled via back-roads, or have you encountered someone notable for the lack of social graces, teeth, or perhaps an eye?
• Can you classify the other members of your group as The Athlete, The Scholar, and The Fool?  

If you answered yes to these questions, then unfortunately, you're in a horror movie.  The aforementioned members of your group fulfill archetypal roles and since we have already identified that you are not The Athlete, Scholar, Fool or Virgin, you are, my dear, the Slut.  Or Whore, if you're so inclined.  This puts you in a bad way, since you will soon come to your end.

Depending on your locale, you may die in any number of ways:

• You may be decapitated.
• You may be drowned.
• You may be eaten.
• You may be buried alive.
• You may be impaled, flagellated, embalmed, disemboweled, or possibly even drowned in liquid wax.

However, you may avert any of these terrible ends by simply keeping your top on.  That seems to be the causative agent for death in most cases.

In case you're wondering, I learned all this through many years of careful observation.  First was Bruce Campbell demonstrating proper undead elimination techniques in "Army of Darkness."  Then came the terror of Jason Voorhees on Camp Crystal Lake in the Friday the 13th series.  Following that came a slew of slasher flicks from the 80s and 90s, culminating in the iconic "Cabin Fever."  Art, as they say, has reached its zenith when it becomes self referential.  Horror/slasher films have seemingly reached that point several times, but none have done it so admirably as "Cabin in the Woods."

Part homage, part celebration of camping horror, it sticks to the traditional set-up of five kids out for a lark in a remote, physically isolated part of the world where cell reception is spotty to absent.  Everyone is present: The Athlete, Scholar, Fool, Virgin and yes, The Whore.  If this was simply a rehash of time-worn tropes, however, it would have languished in obscurity.  Instead, writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard have constructed a loving homage to slasher flicks, while still presenting us with a fascinating and gruesome story. 

Saying much more would partly give away the twist (hardly a twist; it's announced from the beginning but we're not made fully aware of it for much of the film.)  However, despite the enjoyment I got from this movie, I have to comment that as far as acting goes, this film fails to elevate itself above traditional fare.  Chris Hemsworth (of Thor fame) is flat, his terror and grief unconvincing.  Fran Kranz is the standout as the stoner who saves the day (sort of) whose best lines are delivered with the whiny panache of the habitual pot smoker.  Both female leads felt rushed, and except for Anna Hutchison's make-out session with a wolf, we never got much from her.

But it was fun, gory and had an interesting twist at the end that, while not entirely compelling, was nevertheless not what I expected.  Shout-out to Lovecraft.  In all, I'd recommend this movie.

Let me hear what you thought of it in the comments below.